The Trailing Spouse

DH travels A LOT for work-which in itself is a blessing and curse. I'm naturally a very independent person so I enjoy my freedom away from him, but I also get irritated when I don't feel that he's contributing as much as he should be. DH makes very good money, but the trade-off for that is the fact that he will be on the road most of May-November. He also works in the ag industry so planning tends to go out the window-you can't really plan rain or hailstorms or when the crop will be ready for harvest. That in itself is the most frustrating part since I'm a planner and I just can't go with the flow.

DH loves his job and that makes me happy. He really does like getting up every day and going to work and he does find joy in what he does. He has offered to find a job where he doesn't travel so much, but I know how desperately unhappy he would be if he did that so I let him travel (ha-let him-that makes me sound so bossy-oh wait I am).

The sucky part is sometimes his job takes him to super fun places-like Europe. If I'm not working I get to accompany him (like to France and Switzerland last year), but if I'm working I'm stuck at home. That's the trips that suck the most as he calls every day to tell me about his adventures in Denmark (or some other country) and all I get to share is my teaching adventures (that get less exciting each year as I get better at classroom management) or the tale of what the dog chewed on today (and now that she's properly medicated she does that even less). I will admit it's super depressing to sit at home solo and know that hubby is off having fun in another country (even though to be fair he does work 12-14 hour days and it's probably less fun than I imagine).

We live in a pretty rural area and I apparently suck at making friends so I get pretty isolated and spend a lot of time talking to my dog. You know your life is pretty sad when you spend a Saturday night having a dance party with your dog.

The most difficult part of being in a relationship (or marriage) with someone who travels is the loss of connection. It sometimes feels that DH doesn't really live at our house-it's just another stop in a long line of hotels. Frequently I've felt like folding the toilet paper into a triangle and putting a key card on the door just to make him feel more at home. We live two separate lives-his revolves around work and mine around domestic stuff-and honestly there isn't much in common. Over his 5 year tenure at the company we've watched many marriages and serious relationships implode due to the travel requirements. It's taken us a LONG time to get to the point where we are pretty comfortable with the status quo, but we've made a system that works for us.

Here are a few hard lessons we've learned:

1. Talk on the phone EVERY DAY: we don't manage this as well as we would like sometimes (due to issues with time zones and schedules), but we usually are able to talk and/or text. DH's job doesn't really give him a lot of time to text (he's working with big machines and needs to keep his attention on them so he doesn't decapitate himself or someone else), but we usually get a short talk in during the evenings. I live for those calls! It's a way that we share what's going on in our life.
2. Embrace Snapchat (and not for dirty pictures): Somehow Snapchat has worked better for us than anything else. We send each other funny things we see (either in real life or on the internet) or pictures with silly captions. Snapchat doesn't lend itself to a serious conversation, so we are able to share some funnies throughout the day. It's quick and easy so we actually communicate with it more than through text.
3. Make connections with others: This is something I struggled with for a LONG time. By nature I'm pretty shy and anti-social. I cherish alone time, but when you're alone for 6 weeks at a time it gets a little depressing. I'm not where I would like to be, but I'm getting better at making some friends and taking the initiative to invite them to lunch or dinner or to an activity. When I schedule a lunch with a friend for Saturday I will spend the whole week looking forward to it. It really is a great mood booster! I'm also working to find hobbies that aren't solitary (like taking my dog to obedience classes) so I can meet more people.
4. Understand there will be an adjustment period: It takes time to get used to having DH home! Don't get me wrong-It's exciting when he comes home, but it's also annoying. He is usually gone for 3-6 weeks at a time (with no weekends at home) so I get set in my ways. I'm not used to having someone else in bed or pawing through my cabinets. He's gotten into his routine and I've gotten into mine and sometimes they conflict. We used to fight a lot during the first week or so that he came home, but it's getting better because we both understand that it WILL get better. Sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and roll your eyes for a few days before it feels normal.
5: Be selfish: When DH comes home it feels SUPER selfish to take off for a solo shopping trip, lunch with friends or some other activity. However, we sometimes need a break from each other. He wants to see his friends and have boy's night and I want someone to watch the dog so I can get my nails done without feeling guilty for leaving her at home. I'm not telling you to spend all your time apart-but take the time to do the things you enjoy instead of being glued at the hip. You will have more to talk about at the dinner table instead of just staring at your cell phones.
6: Keep conversations positive: I was super guilty of using DH's daily phone calls to whine to him about all the things that had gone wrong, how the house was falling apart and how sad I was. Usually this turned into a fight because DH felt irritated. For me it was a way to get sympathy, but for him it just frustrated him. He was already upset that he couldn't be home and fix the problems. It made him feel guilty and just served to irritate both of us. Do we occasionally have to discuss problems at home (like the sinkhole that developed in our yard over the summer)? Of course! We keep the conversations focused on solutions and how I can fix the problem (with his guidance) and I try not to bring up unnecessary things.
7. Use home time as special time: It's super tempting to dump a list of honey-dos on DH the minute he walks in the door, but that's not what home time is for. When he's only home for a couple of days obviously home chores need to be done, but we try to prioritize what is critical and what can be put off for a few days. We can then use the time to do fun stuff together instead of arguing over the state of the lawn or the condition of the gutters. Sometimes you just have to give in and outsource some of the stuff (like hiring someone to mow the lawn)!
8. Travel when you can: DH and I both LOVE traveling and it's a great bonding experience. We're one of those couples that are amazing at traveling together (unlike the sad sacks in the airport fighting next to the Cinnabon). If you have the time to tag along on a work trip (and it's allowed by company policy) go for it! For me it was eye opening to see how much work DH actually does (his work trips really aren't fun at all). It also lets me get out of the house and we get to spend more time together (Even if it isn't much).
9. Don't let resentment creep in: This one is probably the hardest one! I do get resentful when DH is in Europe and I'm not or when I'm cleaning up dog vomit (I'm pretty sure my dog is bulimic) while he's at a swanky restaurant. It helps to remind myself of all the blessings that his job has afforded us: financial independence, his happiness, the ability for both of us to travel more than we would have if he didn't have the job etc. I also have to remind myself that he really is working-not on vacation-and he is working just as hard as I am (just in a different location).
10. Express your needs: I tend to bottle up things and just expect DH to read my mind and know what I need. When he's been on the road for so long he tends to overlook things that need to be done. It's a lot easier to politely ask him to unload the dishwasher rather than just stewing about it for the whole evening. We had many a fight about how many times I said "I miss you" on the phone before I finally flat out told him that I want to hear him say that he misses me. I know he does, but I just need to hear him say it.

These "rules" took us a long time to learn, but now it's so much easier when he travels. I miss him when he's gone, but I'm not nearly as unhappy as I used to be. Is there anything I've missed? How do you deal with a traveling spouse?

A Capital Idea

DH and I made a resolution to attempt to eat healthier in 2015. Neither of us are overweight, but our diet is more suitable for a broke, college student. Actually our diet is worse than when we were actually in college because at least in school we had meal plans. When we didn't feel like cooking it was pretty easy to walk to the nearest on campus restaurant for a quick meal-my college was really pushing healthy eating when we were there so our options were usually moderately healthy. Both DH and I are pretty decent cooks, but I hate doing it. After working 8-9 hours the LAST thing I feel like doing is standing in the kitchen. DH just doesn't have the skills to plan ahead so we actually have food in the house so he usually gets stuck trying to make dinner out of stale cereal and lunch meat.

When we lived in our old house (that was actually in a real town with restaurants and everything) we ate better (since there were restaurants). When we moved to the boonies we were comforted by the fact that our town had one restaurant. A week after we signed the contract on our house it burned down and we were out of dinner options. I discovered that I'm pretty awesome with a slow cooker and we did okay.

I've been having some stupid health issues lately and healthy eating is something that actually might help with that. I saw on Pinterest a recipe for making a whole roasted chicken and veggies in the slow cooker (Link: http://www.food.com/recipe/crock-pot-whole-chicken-33671) and I decided to give it a whirl. DH and I had great success making a turkey in November, so I figured chicken would be just as easy. I changed the recipe since I didn't have half the ingredients (a pretty typical thing in my house) and made a lemon pepper chicken type thing (with Kalamata olives since that seemed to go well).

All went well with the actual cooking of it until it was time to carve it. Carving things is DH's job since I tend to slice my finger along with the actual meat and he doesn't really like eating pieces of his wife's fingers mixed in with his dinner. I curled up on the couch while he happily wielded the big knife and ensured that his carving technique was perfect (and that when we finally ate dinner an hour later the chicken would be ice cold).  The dog begged for scraps (and was rewarded with a whole bowl of chicken juice that she would later puke up all over the living room) and DH and I continued our conversation.

We were thoughtfully discussing terrorism and the attacks on Paris and our thoughts on gun control. Our conversation was smart and thoughtful. We both have genius level IQ's (even though it may not seem like it sometimes) and we are both well-read so our conversations tend to lean toward the intellectual. We are on opposite ends of the political spectrum, but we can have polite debates (at least most of the time). Keep all this in mind while I tell you what happened next.

I was delivering one of my monologues (this happens pretty frequently) on some obscure piece of French history (I believe I was discussing the Revolution) when DH interrupted me. In my book interrupting me during anything is a cardinal sin and DH knows this very well. His incredibly important idea? "I wonder if any company sells wishbones?" When I shot him a look that meant shut up and let me talk he interpreted it as tell me more (he's not very adept at reading facial expressions). He continued with "Think about it-they could make so much money especially if they already sell chicken since it doesn't cost them anything. They could probably make $2.00 if they sold them on Amazon. It's pure profit". He has since decided that we are starting a chicken wishbone business, so if anyone is interested contact DH for all your needs (wishbone related)!

My takeaway from all this-while DH is a genius his mind works in an incredibly strange way. He also listened when I spent an hour discussing digitalis poisoning and stabbing people with icicles, so I have to tolerate his brand of crazy. True love=tolerating the other person's baseline level of crazy.

Days in my life that I've felt grown up

By all rights and purposes I am a grown up. I can smoke, drink, serve in the armed forces, make decisions for myself and rent a car without the underage penalty. Someone also thought that I was mature and responsible enough to be in charge of 120 8th graders for 8 hours a day. However, I usually don't feel grown up, more like a kid pretending. DH and I lived together for almost 4 years before getting married and for most of that time I felt that we were just playing house and my real home was in my childhood bedroom. There has only been a few times in my life that I've kind of felt slightly grown up. In no particular order:

1. Signing the closing papers on my first house. There is nothing more humbling than signing the papers to owe the bank more money than you've ever owed anybody. My hair was wet from an ill-timed shower and DH was late after getting lost on the way to the bank. I had to go home because I forgot to bring the checkbook and I couldn't find a parking space. 

2. The first night I spent in my first house: the day my then-fiancée (now DH) and I finally moved out of our rental was a freezing cold January day with a sprinkling of snow on the ground. Both sets of parents came to help us move and we took everyone out to Chilis for dinner. That night we announced our week old engagement and after celebrating we returned to our first grown up house. My parents snapped a picture of us standing on the front porch with our arms wrapped around each other. We look terrified and much too young to be homeowners. That night we curled up together in our brand new queen size bed (a gift from Grandma) and tried to adjust to the strange noises that an old house makes.

3. The first day of my teaching career: I was 21 years old and four months removed from the college lifestyle. I had been hired a week before the first day of school and I was woefully unprepared for my first crop of students (I taught 7th grade at a different school from my current one for one year). I stood up before my first class and launched into my first day presentation while trying to keep my voice steady and quell the butterflies in my stomach. It was absolutely terrifying to realize that I was solely responsible for these kids and their success or failure. I was a terrible teacher that first year before I finally learned everything I should of learned during 4 years of college.

4. The day we adopted our dog: I had been begging for a dog for quite awhile and on a bright June day we picked out our sweet puppy. The adoption went quick and before we knew it we were loading her up in the back of my SUV and taking her home. She puked all over the backseat less than a mile from the shelter and it was the first time I'd ever cleaned up anyone's bodily fluids without gagging. After we got home and got her settled in DH went back to town to get some sorely needed dog supplies and dinner for us while I stayed home with the new addition. Once he left she followed me from room to room and I ended up sobbing in the bedroom because I was afraid I would never love her and that I would never be alone again. She was so clingy it scared me, but within a week we were inseparable. 

5. The first time I was sick alone: My junior year of college I got pretty sick and was confined to my apartment for a week. I lived alone and my parents weren't nearby so this was my first time being truly alone and sick. Due to the nature of my illness people couldn't come over so I was really alone. When I was hungry I couldn't rely on mom to make me food, it was up to me to check my temperature, make myself food and keep myself in a steady supply of Gatorade and trashy tv. I lost 6 pounds in a week, but I learned how to take care of myself.

7. Traveling in Europe by myself: Last summer DH had to go to France for work. For the cost of a plane ticket I got to tag along and crash in his company paid hotel room. During the day he worked and I was on my own. I roamed all over the Loire Valley on the train and tried to make myself understood by the locals. My French is atrocious and I had no fallback plan, my cell phone was turned off and I was alone in a foreign country. The most marvelous part of the trip was roaming through Paris alone and eating dinner under the Eiffel Tower all by myself. I gained so much confidence in myself and my abilities to communicate and navigate. Prior to this trip I tended to rely on other people to plan my trips for me (namely my mom and DH) and to take care of me. I had never been to Europe without my mom and she lived in Germany and Italy and speaks eight languages fluently so she has no problem getting around. This trip was the best trip because I made the schedule (or lack thereof) and decided what to do and where to eat. I could sit on a bench reading my book for an hour and watching the people go by instead of rushing to activity after activity. I was able to absorb the true flavor of the country instead of just the stuff tourists see. It was a truly inspiring trip that made me more confident and inspired me to take more risks (my type A personality is totally against risk) and live less of a scheduled life.

Every time I have a new experience (writing my first thousand dollar check, buying a car, setting up a retirement account or writing my will) I feel just a little bit more grown up, it's like it sinks in just a little more that I really am a grown up. You may have noticed that my wedding didn't make the list, I really didn't feel grown up after marriage. DH and I had lived together for 4 years and the wedding was just another day in our life. He makes me feel like a kid (and he acts like one a lot) and he just completes me-it would feel unnatural not to be with him so marriage didn't really change our lives. However, when I look around at friends who are my age (or younger) that are popping out babies I shudder to think that I'm theoretically old enough to be someone's mother (other than my puppy). What experiences make you feel like a "real" adult?

Merry Christmas

I know this is a little late but time hasn't been on my side. One thing no one tells you about marriage is the difficulty in splitting holidays. During our blissful dating days DH and I split up for Christmas. I spent my 2 week break enjoying time with my family watching endless hours of tv and sharing book recommendations with my mom. DH spent 2 weeks at home running the family farm and running to endless family celebrations. It was a great system and a win win for everyone. 

However, once you're married separating for the holidays means imminent divorce and custody battles so that wasn't an option. Last year was our first year spending the holidays together (even though we weren't yet married) and we (meaning I) spent hours coming up with a equitable holiday schedule that would allow everyone equal time.

My parents live almost 7 hours away from us and his parents are about 3 hours away. By virtue of distance we see his parents way more than we see my mine. DH also has tons of mandatory small town or family functions that require us to spend a weekend in his hometown. He also misses the farming life so he tries to go home as much as possible in order to soak up a dose of cow manure and tractor driving before returning to his boring semi-rural suburbia existence. 

Both of us are lucky in that we get 2 weeks off at Christmas, me because I'm a teacher and we get tons of time off which delays the progression of our insanity and inevitable commitment to a mental institution. Usually engineers don't get a full two weeks off since employers already know how insane they are and figure no amount of time away from work will fix it, but DH manages to save his vacation days each year to get an extended break. 

The schedule that we worked out gave Thanksgiving to one family (which rotated each year). We split Christmas break into three sections. The first section includes Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and the family that didn't have us for Thanksgiving gets that one. We leave on the 26th for the next destination (whoever we saw at Thanksgiving) and then we head to our home on the 31st which allows us to spend New Years together. We got engaged on New Years so it is our special day together. By coming home then we have at least a few days before I have to go back to work which lets us get the house back in order and catch up on chores before getting back to work. 

Of course the schedule isn't perfect and this year it got all messed up. Last year was the first Christmas I spent away from my family and I was miserable. This year was my year and I was super excited! However, DH's hometown Christmas pageant fell on the 19th and heaven forbid we miss that (one of those mandatory small town things) so the schedule ended up getting shuffled around. We spent the 19th-24th at his parent's house and on the 24th we made the 9.5 hour drive from his parents to mine. We're spending the 24th-31st at my parent's house which means they get to see us more this year (talk about hurt feelings!). So much for keeping it equitable.

Essentially instead of getting to relax and spend time together over the holidays DH and I spend two weeks traipsing around the country spending a few hundred dollars in gas in order to please everyone. We live out of my SUV which, by the time we head home, is filled to the roofline with stuff we picked up along the way (our luggage, xmas gifts, stuff from sales and the collection of old junk both sets of parents insist on gifting us with every time we come). Our relaxing New Years is spent unloading the car, unpacking, settling ourselves and one exhausted dog back into the routine of home and gulping down dinner from the gas station before falling asleep in front of the tv. Last year we managed to stay up until 10:30! Big partiers we aren't! Forget going to a fun New Years party, after two weeks of living out of a suitcase I'm excited to stay home and never leave the house again. 

I'm thankful that we get to see everyone and that both sets of parents work with us without too much guilt (honestly most of the guilt I feel is self-imposed), but it does make for a stressful trip. Life would be so much easier if we all lived closer to each other. It would be a dream come true to get both sides together for a holiday (even one of the smaller ones-like Fourth of July) or to spend part of the day at each before returning to our own home at night. It would also be awesome to maybe host our own small holiday party (not sure I'm ready for the responsibility of the big show yet). If we saw our parents year round for nightly suppers or church on Sunday's it might make for less pressure during the holiday season to cram in as much time as possible with both sides. We do the best we can with the time we have, but it's not a perfect solution. 

A Brief History of Me

My name is Nicole and I'm in my mid-twenties. I teach 8th grade English in a school with a very odd population. I've been married less than a year to my dear Hubby (DH) who I dated for four years before finally consenting to wed him. He's a ridiculously logical and practical engineer with a side of absent minded professor. I, on the other hand, am impractical and imaginative which as you can imagine leads to some tension at times. We live in a tiny rural town in the heartland of the country with our crazy two year old rescue dog (the love of my life-I promised my husband in our wedding vows that I would love him more than the dog-it's the one vow I've been unable to keep). For all her cuteness she is truly nuts and requires anti-anxiety medicine and heavily stuffed Kongs to enable us to leave the house without her eating holes in the drywall. 

I'm an only child which means I'm extraordinarily close to my parents, but I'm also self-centered and occasionally selfish. Until I moved in with my husband I never had to share a bathroom, my food, the tv remote or a bedroom with anyone. Now, almost five years later I'm still trying to adjust to some other human in my space all the time, even a human being who I love dearly. Things are made a little more complicated by the fact that DH travels 6 months out of the year for work which means half the year I get to be a single gal with all the responsibilities of a married woman and half the year I'm a married woman having to adjust to having a spouse. It certainly makes for an interesting life.

I recently was rewarded for two years of paper writing and reading boring books by being granted a Masters in Education. Supposedly this will make me a better teacher (at least I get a higher salary for it), but I'm still unsure as to how two years of writing papers on my teaching philosophy and my hypothetical students will make me a better teacher to the 120 students who grace my classroom every day. However, I'm intending to start my doctorate in the fall which will probably turn me into SUPERTEACHER!!!!! At least it will earn me a nice chunk of change and the right to make people call me doctor (of course I will be as obnoxious as possible about it).

I wanted to be a teacher, but it always was a fall back plan to becoming a writer. I expected to write my first novel, send it off to a few literary agents and instantly score a book and movie deal. I spent my morning showers planning what I would say on the Today show and Good Morning America (despite having never seen an episode of either of the shows). I figured I would teach for a year and then I would be the next J.K. Rowling. I happily finished my first manuscript and began the fun process of querying every agent in Writer's Digest. The wonders of modern technology allowed me to receive my rejection letters in a matter of minutes rather than weeks and they kept rolling in. After four months and 62 rejections I pulled out the manuscript to look at it for the first time since the whole querying process began and I was HORRIFIED by what I saw. The writing was juvenile and the plot was tough to follow. The whole manuscript stank of desperation and amateur writing and I was embarrassed to have ever sent it to anyone. 

That fun experience killed my writing dreams for awhile (about 3 years) and real life got in the way of having time to write. I still kept a list of ideas for books and stories that popped into my head at the most inopportune times (such as when I was wrestling with insomnia or trying to merge onto a crowded highway). I read tons of books about the craft of writing and books by authors I admire. I wrote a few stories and started on a few novels, but the passion just wasn't there. I have finally found a story I'm passionate about (and my view on the publishing industry is much more realistic and rooted in reality than it was) so I'm ready to start writing again. As a part of my process I decided that blogging would be a good way for me to keep my writing muscles active and overcome my crippling fear of people reading my writing (I can't even let the DH or my best friend-aka my mom-read my writing). Letting strangers on the Internet read my innermost thoughts and allowing them into my life is something that terrifies me so I figure it will be good preparation for my eventual Today show interview. 

I've tried blogging three or four times before and I've never had good results. I usually give up after post three or four because I run out of interesting things to say. It's hard to share about the hot party or cool club when I wasn't invited (and even if I was I wouldn't have gone anyways). Somehow a years worth of blog posts about the most sanitized portions of my job (since I can't share the most fun parts publicly in the interest of student privacy) and nights spent on the couch with my dog and a good book don't make for the most exciting reading. In preparation for my own blog attempt I've read up on blogs from a wide range of authors (including a friend of mine who now makes a living blogging). I've promised to give it a true and faithful shot for 2015. 

Thanks for reading!